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*Shipwreck diary* Day 1: First day was pretty good. Met a crab. Day 2: I have married the crab. Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

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In 20 years, I will look back and say that I was a photographer and model. When they ask me my agency, I'll say "Instagram".

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It's gotta be weird stuffing money into a stripper's bikini when every bill has a photo of your grandmother on it.

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if all the worlds a stage, where is the audience sitting?

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If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

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How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?

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Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?

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Why are buttons on boy's shirts on a different side than girl's shirts?

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How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

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Why are things typed up but written down?

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What is a male ladybug called?

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If you crossed a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

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If the speed of light 1000,000 km/s, what is the speed of dark?

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Who tastes the dog food to know it has new and improved flavour?

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If diamonds are a girl's best friend, and dogs are mans best friend, which sex is smarter?

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Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

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Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

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How do we know Humpty Dumpty is an egg, if it does not mention the word egg in the nursery rhyme?

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Poop on a car. U'll enjoy it.

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Everything I want for Christmas is... shoes.... eeeh you

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I can't fly. I tried, but I can't fly.

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Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times.

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How I see dogs: Beagle, german shepherd, poodle, bulldog, labrador. How I see cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat .

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99% of socks are single and you don't see them crying about it. :) :)

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Not being able to finish a sentence because you're laughing so hard about the ending.

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My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.

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RT if you get it. #girls on periods# .. I'm fine. I hate you. I love you. Come here. Go away. You're cute. Fuck off. I miss you.

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If two people are arguing and one person says, "You know what...", that argument is about to get awesome.

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That awkward moment when you're at your friend's house and they're getting yelled at, so you just stand there and pet the dog.

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